If there is one thing I learnt whilst I was tripping around England this past week it was that I moan alot about things that I have no control over... and that I have a self pitying attitude that is the result of shit that I should have seen coming a mile away.. and was too delusional and unrealistic to see for what it was.  And that attitude has dragged me down and made me a shadow of the former person I was.  I'm seriously NO FUN anymore... and I have myself.. and no-one else... to blame for that.

I have spent the past week with Big Bro and HB... driving hundreds of miles and living in hotels and pubs... telling her about our lives... what we did as children.... how the things we did shaped our lives and the people we have become.  Both of us trying to instill in HB how incredibly important our small family is. 

I have been to London to see the Queen... (or at least her house and a number of other great things).. I have been to Oxford to see the Spires and Yorkshire to see the Moors... (cos yeah... *rolls eyes* I don't live within 10 minutes drive of Dartmoor Natrional Park).  I haven't spoken about recent (if four months ago can still be classed as recent) events and nor have I thought about Dan or the things that could have been.  Well.. ok.. ok... I tell a lie... there was this one moment in the Tower of London when I was thinking how cool it would have been to be the one who showed the redneck around London.. because he told me so many times it was something he really wanted to do with us.  That moment soon passed.

We all know.. each and every one of us... that shit happens.  How one allows that shit to affect you is the important bit.  I have allowed myself to fall into a well of self pity and despair over something that really was nobodies fault but my own.  I have allowed myself to become pre-occupied with what might have been.. and what nearly was... instead of focusing on the whats going on now and whats ahead of me.  I haven't focused on the positive aspects of the past five years.. (yes oh cynical reader there are positive things and lessons to learn from the past five years) including the fact that I have spent some absolutely amazing moments with a man who was... at the time... the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.  I could.. if I wanted... be negative and hateful about the things that have occured... and perhaps to some extent I have allowed myself to feel that way.  Instead of that I am going to try to make a serious effort to focus on the great things that happened.. the amazing times I shared... and move on. 

To that end I really want to make this the last post about the horrendous crap I have been through and felt these past few months.. nay.. years.  I may not be able to follow through with that.. but hell I'm going to try... and I'm going to try hard.  I still stand by my feelings that I am disgusted by the way he treated me and lied to me and lied to people about me... but I hope he finds happiness... and if his happiness is built on lies about me.. then fuck it...  whatever floats your boat.

MINU is due back home soon... and I have decided that to start a relationship with him is the wrong thing to do.  If I did I would be doing it for the wrong reasons.  I am.. I'm sure... looking for someone to erase the memory of Dan... and that is just plain foolish.  The memory of Dan will fade in time and to use someone else to speed that along is wrong... very wrong.  MINU is a nice guy... he is my first real... ummm.. how do I say this... OLDER man.. he is.. after all... 40 years old... and he has admitted to me that he is looking for "The One" and although he tells me that in the short space of time that I have known him that I am that person... I most certainly do not feel the same way... and am sure that I will continue to feel the same way no matter how special or fabulous snatched moments and brief telephone calls make me feel.

So.. that all being said... my trip away was fantastic.  We travelled up to Oxford first and spent some time looking up old haunts.. and our old houses... and quite incredibly having moments when a lump came to my throat thinking about happy times.  Yorkshire was much the same.  Our hotel was on the banks of the Humber Estuary with an amazing view of the Humber Bridge (photos will follow at some point) and to travel to Leconfield and see my first school.. yes... lump in the throat moments occurred there as well.  Big Bro remembered much more than I did.. and HB was happy just listening to us talking about our childhood and pointing places out.  The oddest thing of all was that obviously as a child I thought the distances that we travelled were huge.. and seeing them now as an adult... I realise that what seemed to me at the time as being a long walk home from school.. or a long drive to town.. were in fact just short distances. 

Perception is a weird thing.  Some distances may seem huge... but in reality they are made to feel huge because of the tiny steps we are taking...

I hope to be walking tall and striding wide from now on...