6.35am

HB goes to a school that insists upon a uniform being worn. I have no qualms about this. I think it takes a huge amount of pressure off the students to try to "look cool" and it means that pretty much everyone is equal. The school is strict about a certain number of things... like.. school sweatshirt and black trousers... school tie... white shirt.. that must be worn... but other than that the students can put their own personal stamp on their uniform.... HB does this by wearing odd socks... it may not be original.. but its her "thing". No-one else does it... not intentionaly... and certain not with the same flair that HB has... When we shop for socks we have to buy bright colours.. fluffy socks.. socks with faces on them.. fun socks... just so she can have that spark of individuality under the uniformity of black. She also manages to add colour by wearing her school tie with the fattest knot in it.. the shortest dangly bit and her shirt open necked down to 3 butons. She rocks my world.

I talked with My Boy last night... for hours.. tears were shed.. apologies made... plans changed.. miunderstandings corrected and love reassured.... I feel sad this morning about the things we talked about last night... incredibly sad. He has so much shit going on in his life... and when I should be there supporting him... trying to ease the pressure.... I'm not... I'm bitching about why he hasn't called me or why the forms haven't been sent off or whether or not he'll make it here for Christmas. I add to his pressure. And I try so hard not to.. but I'm under so much pressure here too... admittedly brought about by my own foolishness.. but its pressure nonetheless. Pressure from the people around me on a daily basis asking when he'll be here.. pressure from My Bro and Barbie.. wanting to know why everything is taking so long.... pressure from my bosses wanting to know when I am leaving... pressure from HB... it may not seem like pressure... it may seem like just polite enquiries.. but it sends me crazy knowing that about 99% of the people (who are meant to be my family and friends) think I am making a huge mistake and can't wait to say "I told you so" when it all goes wrong again.

The 1%... HB... wanting to be a family with him just about as desperately as I do....

Sometimes I just buckle under the pressure... I know I'll cope with it.. I know I'll get through it... but sometimes buckle... and when I do I fill my head with self doubt and take on board the critiscism I get from Barbie and the (dammit I don't know the word for what I mean) that I get from colleagues and acquaintances.

I've buckled these past few days.. that obvious... but I'll get over it...

My Boy put an offer in on a newly built house this morning that he says is just perfect for us... out in Cornelius... 3 bedrooms... 2 and half bathrooms... garage.. porch (for me to sit on in the evenings) a master bedroom thats the size of the ground floor of his apartment... a bedroom for HB thats as big as his master bedroom in the apartment... a soon to be fenced yard for Brodie the Wonder Dog... all new appliances... including washer/dryer..... fridge/freezer.. dishwasher... microwave... in a community...

We'll find out tonight if the offer has been accepted....